just a little page to write how my orgasm denial is doing. This page will be very sexually explicit but hopefully not so much as to be a problem. viewer beware. I feel a little weird/bad that i joined flounder and immediately just want to write about my pussy but idk... sorry. this is da real me 0:-) I am self denied, I do not have a dom. Denial is a pretty inherent part of my sexuality. It's fun to see how I start thinking differently and how the way things feel change the longer I go without cumming. "Mind break" is a super hot concept and denial is a fairly safe way to explore that. Also the concept of getting used to something is hot. Getting used to not cumming, getting used to being easily aroused, getting used to feeling desperate. All very hot. I want to get used to wearing toys publicly as well. I've gotten pretty comfortable wearing them when going on walks or situations where I don't have to talk to people much and I want to push myself further. In 2025 I stayed denied for the first 60 days of the year, without ruining too. The entire month of January I only touched my nipples. I used to not be that into touching them from dysphoria, but i like it so much now. Its so hot that I reprogrammed my mind. I met my first goal of staying denied all winter! I have no plans to cum still, it only seems worth it if someone is fucking me. ### last orgasms: June 6(?) 2026, December 19 2025 ### next orgasm opportunity: December 21 2026 ### last ruin: yesterday probably ### ruins allowed: yes ### goals: cumming in my sleep, spontaneous orgasms, nipple orgasms, long term toy wearing, lower inhibitions, losing the ability to cum normally, crying from frustration. # journal ### august 1 2026 I ordered the 4x plug from squarepeg toys i've been eyeing since it came out. I've had one real orgasm in the entirety of 2026 i think ive earned it. The widest point is 3 inches across... It can be squashed a lot though. My XL is 2.5" at the widest. (I have it in now~ :3) => https://www.squarepegtoys.com/product/g-squeeze/ I haven't had sex in a long time now, im proud of not succumbing to sex i dont want to have w/ my ex. but i'm starting to feel so desperate. My shot this week is making me crazy. I cant stop thinking about being totally ravaged and hit and biting and being bitten.. I need hands on and in me. I kinda wanted to talk about me orgasming in june but it's really not that interesting. I woke up in the middle of the night and rubbed my clit until i came, had a strong orgasm and then was like: yup ok. I dont need to do that again. I dont feel bad at all about it. It was for research. A little disappointed I was able to cum at all, but i havent been working on any reprograming. ### july 11 2026 all three silicone eggs and both plugs is becoming easy, so exciting. I did this and then started to fuck myself with my small BD dildo. Slowly it could go deeper and deeper. There is a little knot on it. I put some lube on it and pushed it inside with all my strength. It got all the way in. Both of my plugs and this are fully inside me. Ohmygodtoomuch too much! Too full i feel like im breaking. I couldn't do it for very long at all, i dont think it was even a minute. I had to take it out, but my body was still overwhelmed so i took out the plugs too and immediately fell asleep with the eggs still inside. Its an hour later and theyre still inside me. My pussy feels so loose and open, sloppy, wet. Whos gonna fertilize my eggs... 🥵🥴 ### june 24 im so into just being as naked as possible recently it rules. I've been waking up painfully horny. wearing two benwa balls at work today and i keep thinking "watch for rolling rocks" ? (.5 an A press) ### june 17 lol sorry for zero linebreaks i wrote this on my phone on my lunchBREAK. I just fucked myself soo good im full puppymode rn. zero thoughts just watching myself in the mirror occasionally thinking about how hot and/or insane i look. rubbing my asshole felt as good as my clit hello?? both plugs & all 3 eggs but then swapped to my huge (well, "medium") bad dragon (i got this 10 years ago dont come at me #canceled) + the eggs. Felt so intense and good i was making insane guinea pig noises. I wish my neighbor would GET A LIFE and not be here 24/7 so i can actually moan as loud as i want! I lovee how good i can make myself feel but I wish i had someone to share this with... 😔 --- I actually came on purpose a week or so ago. Sorry! I was partially curious if my ruins were actually ruins since I've gotten so used to them. I can confidently confirm i haven't had a real orgasm until this time. More on that later. I have been really craving being filled and stretched. As soon as i came home from work yesterday I went and put in my plug. I tried the small first since i havent done it for a while and immediately I knew i needed the XL one. I put that in with a heavy benwa ball and went to the grocery store and it felt so good. This XL used to feel super intense but its very manageable now. I spent like an hour at the store and wanted to be stretched even more when i came back. I took out the plug and added a 2nd benwa ball, and all three of my silicone eggs. They're about the size of a very large chicken egg or a duck egg. I experimented with just the small plug first, and it felt so good fucking myself with it and everything inside me jiggling around. Then I did just the XL plug with the other things inside and it was super intense. I put my underwear back on and did some chores and humped the bed. But i knoww i can do more, so i then put both plugs in at the same time and i was soo full~ It felt crazy my legs were quivering. I couldn't control myself. I had to hold the plugs in or the pressure would push them out. So obviously i lubed up my latex shorts and wore that to hold them in. I then put regular shorts over them and decided to challenge myself by going on a walk. At first i was going to wear a shirt that would cover my midriff and the exposed few inches of latex, but decided on a thin cropped tank top. It was so so difficult to do anything. It felt like there was a football inside of me. I could feel the pressure on all 4 sides of my body. I went on a barely 15 min walk, and it was pretty dark but some cars drove past and i walked past and waved to a couple on a walk. I wonder if they saw my latex? I managed to stay this full for 30 mins and when i took out the plugs a huge glob of lube/wetness splattered onto the floor. I wanted to lick it up but it was mostly lube :/ tasted too gross. The amount of stuff inside me needed to be held with two hands and weighed 1.5 pounds hehe. Today i wanted to wear my large plug to work so badly, but i knew that would be annoying. So im wearing the softer two of my silicone eggs and it's really nice. I wanted a benwa ball too but since im a little sore i didnt want something so hard. I really want to be properly filled but this is pretty close and i can still pee with them in! I'm really excited to stretch myself soon, maybe even tonight. Without the benwa balls I could probably go longer. Theyre just too hard and dig in uncomfortably when im really stuffed. I reaaallly want the 4XL version of my plug, I can do 3" and that is so fucking hot. ### may 6 still denied! It's amazing how sensitive i am. I instantly drop as soon as someone starts touching me. This morning i was overcome with a random wave of arousal. I wasn't even thinking of anything and I didnt edge this morning. I was just packing for work and suddenly it hit me and I had to stop what i was doing and let it pass. It makes me shudder and moan and its really hard to focus on anything when its happening. Its not an urge to masturbate or cum really, but just physical arousal. I'm so squirmy today now. I want to be used and touched and hit and massaged and bitten. I sometimes worry that my denial is making socializing harder for me somehow but i dont think it is, also I don't want to go back. This feels so normal now. I will only cum from a true loves kiss (cock). But honestly at this rate a kiss might be able to make me cum. ### apr 29 I had a dream i was complaining to my friend that i keep gaining weight (which is true irl) and they were like why is that a problem? They started groping me and feeling me up. Saying that I should get bigger... muscles + fat. ### apr 24 circumference to diameter calculator makes me horny lol. If I can wake up before 8 am for a week straight, (stealing your idea!) i want to buy myself the largest G squeeze. My XL used to take my breath away and now it pleasantly fills me. If the 4X one ever gets too easy I'll get the egg plugs, they go up to 4.2" in diameter 🤤 Gonna go run with the XL in! Been fantasizing about becoming someones cock (and balls) recently? In a few different fashions: physically transforming while being fucked, like melding into it (while making it bigger obviously), or more and more of my conscience gets transferred to it while my physical body becomes an empty shell. Or I am both the cock and myself and any sensation he feels is translated to my entire body. I love the idea that for the 2nd concept, he has control over how much of my soul inhabits it, and it gets bigger the more of my conscience is in there. He gets addicted to having a huge dick and soon enough im just his cock. My real body just left on autopilot. Maybe he keeps my empty body around to fuck. Yea :+) Ngl i wish i was a better writer i have so many weird fantasies ive never seen expressed elsewhere, even in the furry world. Honestly they usually boil down to X thing happens and makes X bigger, leading to corruption and a positive feedback loop. ### apr 18 Something really interesting happened when I got cummed in today. It was suddenly like my body remembered that I used to cum and I got so incredibly desperate and crazy. I probably could have cried?? It was pretty awesome, like a deep physical need to cum, my body wanted it so badly. ### apr 14 I've been sitting on my back stoop shirtless in the mornings and its so nice. It feels really good for my dumb fat nipples to be in the sun. Yesterday morning i ruined out there. Its weirdly overwhelming and makes me so sensitive to feel the breeze on my chest. I also took another walk with my large plug recently, I've gotten a little bolder masturbating outside. ### mar 25 I could feel myself getting frustrated and I had bad sex, so I'm not really playing rn. Still denied! I've noticed that bad sex (sex where i'm not given attention) makes me want to jerk off and cum as like an irritated response lmao. Need to stop fucking this guy... Though when I was riding him I could totally feel how good I felt, my pussy and the rest of me too. Because I'm an empath, naturally. I got a strong wave of arousal at work from a random horny thought which was fun. Only really worth noting because I've been taking a break. ### mar 20 its past midnight but its not tomorrow until i sleep. tomorrow is my goal day!! I will not be cumming and i get to edge and touch my clit for the first time in forever, i'm so excited. I've made a lot of progress with my nipple sensitivity but i want to take a break and just do whatever for a while. Over 90 days denied!! 3 months doesn't feel like a long time but when i think of it as a quarter of the year it feels more impressive. Idk when my next goal should be? The first day of summer i think. If anyone is following along hi and muah. This journey is silly but i love it, i love how 2nd nature it's becoming, and i love how its surfacing interesting desires and truths. I hope everyone out there is having fun exploring their sexuality by themselves and with lovers. Happy spring! stay horny. ### mar 17 Wore my plug for 17 hours !?! 5 At home, took it out to go in to work, and then for 13 hours back at home and overnight. I've never slept with it in, only short naps. I woke up a few times but horny and enjoying it. ### mar 16 WFH today and spending it with the plug in. I really dislike the word "plug" and "pussy" but I don't know how else to describe it. I need to leave my poor nipples alone. Silly horny thought while running yesterday in my barefoot shoes: "puppies should be able to run barefoot and filled!" so true bestie. U•w•U ### mar 15 Spent about 8 hours with a toy in, including while on my run. I started to feel crazy during the last stretch running. Its just so much subtle stimulation I got desperate for more. I was crying out whenever there wasn't anyone nearby, it made me feel really submissive and pathetic. Love being a moron, highly recommend. Playing with my nipples with my plug in and its all just too much. Awful overwhelm, my lower torso feels like a sparkling aching black hole. I fell asleep for a bit after tormenting myself and woke up more sensitive than ever. I can feel my entire body with such clarity. I am hyper aware of the material of my clothes, anything i touch with my hands, even the top of my head and hair. Its overwhelming but feels good too. The plug is still in, and will stay in until I cannot bear it. ### mar 14 highway driving with a plug in rules. I think it makes me a better driver lmao. Rumble of the car vibrating it. I put it in otw home in a rest stop at 2 am and it woke me up. I kind of want a medium for casual wear, the small is pretty small. I've been waking up so sensitive, feeling really good. I love running my hands over my body, everywhere I touch feels amazing. My underwear gets soaked through by the time i get up. I've been wearing a liner in my underwear to work so I don't soak through my pants. It's happened before... Going on a 2 hour drive to visit a friend and I am planning on wearing my small plug on the drive! I'm really excited. I just wore my nipple suckers otw to the grocery store. ### mar 12 I got really close to cumming by just playing with my chest!! My entire body was very sensitive after it, just sitting on the floor made me writhe and moan. !!! Something amazing is happening, it feels like i've broken through a wall. I love the feeling of my linen sheets on my bare skin. Last night i got my pussy pump to work by constantly repumping it as the air leaked out. I got surprisingly big and it felt amazing. I had to put my no touch on pause to try and fist myself, like how could you not fist a swollen pumped pussy? It was so insane feeling my swollen huge clit and lips against my wrist. I got really close to going all the way in, but i was running out of depth? I also hate feeling my iud strings, it grosses me out... I've fisted myself in the past. Really proud of myself for not ruining. I bit my arm Natalie Portman in Black Swan style because i was moaning too loud. Felt really nice to chomp down really hard! And the pain was really grounding. Slapping my pumped clit hurts like hell, it rules. I feel like my journals are getting freakier, but that is probably my corruption fetish just looking for fuel. I want to start bringing my plug to work in case i want to wear it. The play party is feeling very tempting. ### mar 11 2026 Feeling very effervescent and sensitive and snuggly today. Every sensation is interesting and pleasurable. I'm really proud how comfortable I've gotten being this horny in public. Last year I was so worried about it and being so horny at work made me feel guilty. I don't think about it at all anymore. Except during a moment alone when i notice how strong it is and i'm just impressed. Laying on my bed enjoying the feeling of my clit throbbing and tingling. My no touch is doing really well. Rubbing my asshole and nipple at the same time in the shower felt so amazing. One day I'll be able to edge just like that. I got really excited thinking about how I want to start restricting when I ruin. I've said this a few times before but I feel ready now. It's nice looking forward to them, and how insane and sensitive I feel is so worth it. I used to cum before bed every night, and now I go to sleep so excited to experience another day without cumming. There are so many new sensations to experience and things to learn about myself. I really really never want to cum by my hand again. I want to feel like this forever. Cumming only to share it with somone I really care about. There is a play party this friday that my friends mentioned but they sound not into it anymore. Kinda exciting because I'm thinking of going to it alone. I've never gone to an event designed for playing with strangers. The bdsm events I've gone to in the past have been more like... byod (bring your own dom). Maybe my lesbian gangbang dream can come true lol. No fucking allowed i assume since its at a club, but i want to dryhump someone hot and get spanked in my little latex outfit. ### mar 10 2026 So silly i just want to come here to write that "I'm horny" Like ok! Thanks for the update. Been really into the idea of (my) nipples getting transformed into cocks. Their skin getting shiny and smooth, and horribly sensitive. Looking down at myself just gave me an awful wave of dysphoria I haven't experienced in a while. Not sure the exact cause. (maybe i want a cock?) ### mar 9 2026 80 days since I've cum normally! This is already so hard, I want to touch so badly. Slept really bad, mostly because I got hot and hungry, but there is also a very strong need/emptiness/hunger/ache in my pelvis. Yesterday i was playing with my nipples until I was moaning and thrashing around, my clit started to throb really hard. I really think I can make myself cum from just my nipples eventually! Then of course ruin those orgasms. I wish I didn't have a neighbor so I could moan to my heart's content. ### mar 8 2026 Yesterday via text my friend described how his flowering plant smelled "stronger and stronger until it reached its climax" and this made me so horny I had to stop what I was doing and edge. (?? broken brain, hot) Ruined by mistake, I was having too much fun. Since I keep ruining I am going to do No Touch until my first milestone :) I honestly really love it, my nipples are already so sensitive and I want to train myself further. I will also try and make myself love to touch my asshole. I practiced moaning and gasping like I touched my clit while rubbing it. I know over time the moans will become real. I can't decide if I want to disallow touching my pussy other than my clit or not. Even though I'm not really fucking anyone, I love the idea that my pussy is just an easy way for someone else to make me cum, and not really for me. But I do want to stretch and gape myself hmm.. Maybe this first week I'll be really strict and see how I feel. I feel pretty confident that I don't want to cum still, but maybe I'll be cute and let myself ruin on the 21st. I realized recently the 20th is the equinox this year, but not moving my goal. I really love not cumming, this feels like the real me. My clit aches constantly and I am always thinking about fucking. I've been considering giving my clit "sucking" toy to my friend since I don't see myself using it ever again. I also have a lush 3(2?) that I haven't used in a while but idk, I like having the option to wear a vibrator, esp one that someone else can control. I've been really into groping my chest today, I like my tits when I can feel the muscle underneath. ### feb 23 2026 I really think my clit has gotten bigger again. This morning i edged while rubbing the excess drips of testosterone oil into it. It's so fucking hot that the growth is irreversible. I've been feeling so incredible while edging the past few days. Have you ever been in pain/sick and just had to writhe to try and make it feel better? I get like that but from overwhelming pleasure when rubbing my clit. I want someone else to edge me and tie me up, i think i would die lol. I was moaning into my pillow and gasped but couldn't breathe due to my face being pressed into it, and it made me feel crazy it was so hot. Accidentally unlocking a breathplay fetish, okay! ### feb 22 2026 I've beaten my record! 65 days today. I feel like i've cheated a little to get here, but the fact that I'm not cumming whenever I want still means i'm DENIED. That's that. Also I didn't realize that my record would be right at my 4 year HRT date <3 ### feb 16 2026 Clit pumping is awesome because it feels sooo so good but you can't actually touch your clit. Just watching it slowly swell bigger. My tubes are a little big for my nipples but a little small for my clit, since my lips get in there too. My pussy pump would maybe work if I shaved, its way too big though. I wanted to pump before running so it'll jiggle around as a run :~) lets see if this is hot or annoying. ### feb 13 2026 I wrote a lot out in a very horny explicit way but then started to feel ashamed and embarrassed so never mind lmao. I ruined again and got more lucid. Interesting how I always feel like i'm wasting my time after I do something a bit hedonistic. After all this time I still feel guilty after pleasure. (im not even catholic so wtf) Last night is the third evening where I ended up edging for 2 hours straight. It felt like I pushed myself deeper last night. I made myself feel so good, better than I have ever felt before. It felt so good it was honestly a little scary. I feel like I broke and pushed through something. I half woke up in the middle of the night and I felt like I was about to cum, it was incredible. It was seriously right on the edge. I hope I start cumming in my sleep. ### feb 11 2026 Telling myself at the edge of orgasm that i simply don't know how to cum until that is reality. I dripped onto my feet when i was walking naked in my house. I've been playing this (honestly bad) porn text game the past two evenings and staying up too late. Even though the writing and premise are boring, there is a pretty solid corruption mechanic that really turns me on. Me irl. Next week I'll be past my old record and that's so exciting. I feel way more confident and I want to keep going. I've learned so much about what works and what makes me feel good or bad. Learning a lot about my personality and how I deal with things too. Making it to spring will be so easy. I wonder how I will change the longer this goes on. Being this horny just feels right and normal to me. ### feb 10 2026 Midday and i still feel so good. I'm sitting in the sun and i'm so sensitive the breeze feels like silk sheets dragging over me. My clit is still tingling. I did my shot while im a horny daze and it always makes it so much easier. Horniness = feeling hot = embodiment. I always feel best when I live as much as possible in the present physical moment. I have a fantasy of being a sub and every moment is dedicated to being beautiful. Exercise, eating wonderful food, taking care of my skin, getting fucked and inspected. Working out hard and getting bigger, my body massaged and cared for. The entirety of myself is thoughtfully maintained by someone else. Like an olympic athlete.. or an expensive horse. Woke up feeling so perfectly horny and cozy. I feel so good, every part of me is sensitive and tingly. This feeling is why i deny. Not ruining is paying off. I never want to cum again. ### feb 9 2026 I edged a lot last night and this morning and i'm having like phantom sensations like i'm still rubbing my clit. ### feb 8 2026 day 50! Actually the other day I felt like i was about to have a panic attack or throw up or die or something (unrelated to denial) but i legit tried to make myself cum to just release some energy. And i got closerclosercloser and felt like i went over the edge, kept touching and then...nothing? Nothing perceivable happened, it was like a ruin or even less. I felt slightly less horny after, and a little more focused, but there was no orgasm. I guess. So I'm not considering it breaking my streak. *the crowd boos* Thinking back, i think i ended my streak in a similar way last time, feeling super anxious before going to an event and being like AHH i gotta do SOMETHING. Last year i made myself cum 3 times in a row before it felt like anything happened. Kinda amazing that cumming is already hard for my body to do. I still don't want it. I edged yesterday with my giant plug in and i accidentally ruined soo quickly I'm so out of practice. I haven't edged really in like a week. It was a super weak ruin, it barely felt like anything except my contractions were pulling the plug deeper every time I throbbed. Hot hot, and evil. In the mood to get seriously beaten, I want to cry to release all this tension I have. I hate having neighbors sometimes. I want to scream all I want. I ruined thinking about doing a stream where people spun a wheel that had a bunch of sex toys on it. Whenever it landed on a toy I would have to use it somehow, until I was totally forced full of them all. ### feb 3 2026 jerking off in bed because im betting on my doctors appointment to get changed to virtual. But it likely won't. I wish my pussy got fatter the longer i stayed denied. It already takes up more mental space why not physical too. ### feb 1 2026 Another January without cumming 0:~) I want to try to not ruin accidentally for the entirely of February. Ruining is very helpful but I don't want to be doing it all the time, takes away some of the challenge. ## Below i'm gonna be really freaky about food, calories, weight gain, and drinking. just a heads up! I am the least open about these fetishes IRL, it is scary to talk about, even with ~kink positive~ people. It feels... silly? Wrong? Bad? Shameful? idk! Honestly often when I'm horny I just want to get fucking fat as hell, and make other people gain weight too. My exbf and lover was very thin and has gained weight since getting a desk job. I honestly think he's hot either way but when i'm the right flavor of horny and he's fucking me and our little fat tummies are pressing together i just want us to both gain like 60 pounds lmao. There's something so hot about it, I think it's just letting yourself do whatever tf you want. Why wouldn't I want more of my lover or myself. More more more, bigger please! I also sometimes really love stuffing, but not with a bunch of fast food, because that makes me feel gross. I love the feeling of stretching my pussy, and the feeling of your stomach being stretched is hedonistic and uncomfortable/pleasant in a similar way. Also in the same vein, it is something that can be practiced so that I can stuff myself with more and more... I was trying to figure out how many frozen perogies to cook and I was counting how many were in the box and seeing how many calories that would be, just to gauge what would approximate a meal, and as I was counting it up i was getting more and more turned on... I cooked the entire box and was getting so excited seeing them all dripping with oil. I stood in front of the oven as they cooked rubbing like a moron. Then I ate them all and struggled to finish the last three, but i did it. My stomach is soo full and round it's so stupid and cute. I drank a bunch of water (legit just thirsty) and I can feel my stomach start to press against my ribs. I just finished a can of beer but the first few sips were so uncomfortable. I honestly didn't consider that I would start to get drunk, and im excited to take advantage of myself the drunker i get. - 20 mins l8r I'm on beer 3 and I think I'm done. I'm impressed I'm a little drunk, from drinking them quickly I guess. Stuffing is awesome because even when you cum (i did not, obviously) you will still be stuffed after and have to deal with that. Which is hot. Predicaments & Consequences. Once I ate almost 2 pounds of fruit in a sitting and it was so sexy. I could have eaten more but I was getting cold from it. And the next day I felt SO GOOD from eating so much fruit haha. I want to do that again it was so fun. A part of me wants to cam stuffing... probably just to have someone to share my fetish with in the moment (i tried being a cam girl when i was young, it sucks) So I probably will never do so. It's so funny how i eat a dozen perogies and drink 2 beers and i'm like Yea h i'm a SEX FREAK. idk that's probably a normal Polish dinner. It's fun though :~) Plump and nourished. Also moments like these it's like DAMN ok you really can fuck yourself if you try. Dating yourself is awesome, but try jerking off in new profound ways too. ### jan 29 2026 I've been sleeping a lot better thankfully, but i woke up at 4 last night. I edged really good, didn't ruin but pretend came and fell asleep right after. I then had a dream i was living in chicago in a shitty apartment that was honestly cute. I was in a little candy store when someone tried to steal my bike outside. I crawled through the window and started yelling "thief!" Some people helped me and then a cop showed up to arrest them and i felt guilty. Then i biked home but i kept walking through peoples houses because i got kinda lost and there was a scary highway i didnt want to bike on. Everyone was cool with me like breaking into their house essentially. ### actually horny part vv I got home and went next door and my neighbors were having a party and everyone was a lesbian. The vibes totally shifted when i got there. Someone grabbed me by hips and started grinding on me. Then I got on hands and knees, everyone stopped to watch me. Another girl, small and with buzzed hair was kinda shy but then came over to press her crotch into my face. Someone came up behind her and grabbed her, pressing her into me harder. I couldn't move between the girl still behind me grabbing my ass and the shy girls clothed pussy in my face. I think some other people came up to grab at me and might have argued with the girl grinding that shes hogging me. Everyone wants to grope soren :D ### jan 26 2026 I'm working from home today because of the snow. I've never wfh for this job before but I was considering using the opportunity to plug myself or pump or do other lewd things. but even though i'm as horny as ever, i wasn't in the mood for something like that. I think in the past I would have forced myself to do something but not this time. I'm just horny regular style. It was cool looking at the waxing moon and knowing my next opportunity to cum is far away. Ideally I don't want to cum until spring anyway, but new moon emergency cums are available if I need to. The new moon is a good time to let things go, i figured cumming is essentially that. ### jan 25 2026 i think i was going through a sub drop sort of thing from being plugged so long and getting seriously spanked. I feel a lot better now! Next time i'll try to give myself more aftercare, i needed more than i thought. I almost gave up and let myself cum the other day, i was just feeling kinda annoyed and over it. I was having trouble getting enough to even ruin. I'm glad i let my vibrators run out of battery. I'm really glad i haven't cum yet. Like i can always cum later. 37 days is so long but also not really. I'm over halfway to my record of 63 days and theres a little under two months until my first goal. If I want to keep going, I'm thinking of giving myself cheat days where i can only cum, once, on the day of the new moon.(i know, silly) But that feels right. If i dont cum, then i have to wait until the next one. Just a way to keep denying but not suffering. ### jan 23 2026 Something about submitting (hypothetically) to someone I could probably physically overpower is so hot. I want to cum more than anything in the world!!! Its so intense i'm dying. This morning a pantomimed cumming and told myself its a real orgasm :'). Maybe with enough training i'll start to beleive it. I'm really glad I hid the charger to my vibrator because I think I would have caved last night. I think I need to listen to some hypno files, I think theyre honestly helpful as silly as they are. ### jan 21 2026 Feeling pretty tense in a not fun way. This is what made me quit last time. Might not touch until it gets better. I feel like its been so long since ive edged but I did yesterday morning lmao. I'm so horny i can see through walls and this is my 2nd dream where im just holding hands. aw :+) honestly cute ### jan 19 2026 Did 13 hours plugged and then spanked myself in the shower with my bath brush until i almost cried. 🖤 Going on 10 hours plugged. I couldnt stop edging when i got home so i stood on my back steps naked to edge out there and maybe snap me out of it. Its below freezing out and i thought the cold would instantly make me not horny but it actually turned me on so much. I love masturbating outside it feels so freeing to be nude. My back steps face some trees and through them you can see the road. Its pretty dark at my door. I want to be nude out there more often, but my apartnent neighbor takes the trash out like all the time it feels like lmao. The plug is starting to make me feel insane. It was getting a little uncomfortable but I put more lube on it and now it feels really good again. Looking into buying little disposable packets of lube that i could discreetly bring with me. I wonder how many toys I could wear at work at the same time before I become just non functioning... Just this one feels really nice though. Like I can ignore it when I need to. Its just a nice comforting full feeling. I wish I had someone in my life who was also really into wearing toys long term. I've been messaging with this guy on reddit who has been denied about as long as me but our convos are pretty bland, its not sexy at all... Also I hate how so many dudes think that having anything in your pussy feels crazy?? Like yeah it feels nice but i'm not moaning and crossing my eyes. Its a pretty small thing, and squishy. Feeling naughty and doing something in public is where the majority of the arousal comes from imo. Like ohh noo i'm so corrupted i need to be filled at work wehh~~ lol #REAL There's like no one at work so I'm wearing my plug heheh. It feels so nice. ### jan 18 2026 I ruined twice yesterday but I still feel insane. 30 days! I spent 5 hours plugged yesterday and pumped my clit. It got so big, and that was my 2nd time only! With practice i think I can get it pretty huge... which is really exciting. I shaved my pussy which feels nice and it's easier to masturbate, i need to keep on top of it though. I want to try getting waxed but its intimidating and expensive. I put my small plug back in this morning and its like putting on a ring or watch you always have. It already feels natural. My poor clit feels beat up lol, might need to no touch for a while. I was trying to ruin this morning so I could feel less crazy, but my body wasn't letting me. ;; ### jan 17 2026 This one is extra horny just as a warning SORRY. Thought about going on a walk plugged later and it made me so horny I had to start playing with my nipples. It felt soo fucking good. Having a few days of no touch really makes a difference. I pumped my nipples too, but i went really low pressure. They ended up falling off when I started to masturbate in earnest. I edged a lot :^) I bet it feels so fucking good to fuck my pussy. Its so hot, wet, soft and swollen in there. Denial is awesome because I start to feel both sides of touching myself and really enjoy how my body feels under my hands. I experienced this like phantom orgasm spasm which was cool. I was shaking somewhat involuntarily, you would assume I was cumming if you were watching me, but there was absolutely none of the brain chemical electric feelings of orgasming. It wasn't a ruin either. This would sometimes happen last year, and its really amazing. It feels super satisfying and its a nice way to finish edging without a ruin. I was practicing last year to try and convince myself that is actually an orgasm. I think i can move the goalpost of what cumming is to whatever I want if i try. It would be really sick if this became my normal. Ruins are starting to feel that way slowly but surely. I'm really happy with how my denial is going this time. Ruins are really the secret to balancing this lifestyle. If I can experience overwhelming desire to touch and instantly get flushed and wet that quickly, I am in the right headspace. I don't think that I'm Not Horny Enough. I'm insanely horny lol its awesome, I'm just getting used to it, which is amazing. Once I get used to feeling this way, I can start pushing myself to go just a little deeper and I know I'll get used to that too. I hope at some point I'll feel normal about wearing huge toys around. I want to buy the biggest squarepeg toys pussy plug they have so badly. I have the XL, which was the biggest one at the time, but its not big enough for me anymore. Like it feels really good, and is Very Big but it doesn't challenge me like it used to. I just bought the pumps though so I'll hold off for now.. I also get a little self conscious that I'll stretch myself too much and won't be nice to fuck, which is pretty stupid. It's my cunt.. The toy i want is 3" at the widest point, and is soft, that is big but people who are into stretching go wayyy bigger sometimes. I have one small and one XL. They are super high quality! => https://www.squarepegtoys.com/product/g-squeeze/ ### jan 16 2026 Had my first horny dream. My crush was playing with my nipples and it felt insanely good. I was thinking "wow it feels so much better if you actually like the person" Yikes. I usually only have sexual dreams about masturbating so this was a nice change at least lol. Even if it was spiritually rude. ### jan 13 2026 Honestly right after writing about how annoyed I felt, I had a really incredible time edging. i've gone past that point where my body expects to cum, and I am feeling super insane and effervescent! On saturday I edged a bunch and then went on a long walk with a plug in. It got dark otw back and I was naked and fucking myself outside in the woods. It was seriously so awesome, so fun and kinda romantic and feral. Feels really good to explore with myself. You can do really learn a lot just on your own. Being naked outside (and in public) was amazing, its now a new years resolution to do it as much as i can. My pumps came last night, and in typical fashion my pussy pump is too big (i knew it would be...) and i hurt myself a bit pumping my nipples lol. It just feels so good when its a little painful, but i broke some blood vessals and had little bruises on my nips. They aready are pretty much gone today so it wasnt too bad. I used one of the nipple cylinders for my clit. I thought it would be too small but it got slurped in comfortably. Really had to force myself to not pump with too much pressure. No injuries there! It's such a weird feeling so swollen but also it makes you less sensitive at the same time. It feels really good to be so plump and full. My clit is comfortably sore today from being so horny and edging a million times recently and it feels so nice. I think i want to not edge for a few days since I'm at a really good point right now. Any more and I won't be able to function, I'm already struggling at work today. This is what i wanted though, I'll get used to it! This is how im supposed to feel, its normal. ### jan 10 2026 I'm frustrated with myself for ruining the other day. I'm just not as horny as I want to be which is silly, but i dunno.. I just want to be in that headspace already. Yesterday I got a pap smear and I s2g I always have to get my pelvis examined every time I am doing denial. I worry the doctor is somehow gonna tell that i've been horny? Which is so insane lmao. I just don't want to start getting turned on when they're examining me, which never happens of course. Having a doctor swab your cervix is not fun or hot. (You think it could be a little fun, but no..) It wasn't bad, I was expecting to hate it a lot more, but I'm still a little crampy and spiritually drained from it. Like dude maybe that is why you aren't magically in subspace all the time already. Also I have been denied for 3 weeks now, but the first week or so I was recovering from a UTI so it wasn't only a fun BDSM thing. TMI (at this point?) but i think that doing reverse chastity with my giant dildo for an hour while doing chores last weekend aggravated my hemorrhoid, so its hard to feel horny when my butthole hurts. All of this to say its not surprising that i'm not in a fun headspace right now, and I have MONTHS to be horny. It's really not that serious but I am bummed out my mood is so shit recently. - Honestly writing about why I love denial has made me feel a bit better :~) I wish my pump would hurry up and get here. ### jan 8 2026 Im sleeping a lot better now. I woke up pretty horny but it wasnt particularly nice or different. It wasnt weird or anxious feeling at least. I want to wear toys to work but my roids are back and I dont want to aggravate them. My pussy and nip pumps are supposed to arrive on monday and im so excited. It would be so hot to pump in the mornings before work and just be swollen all day. I (my body) still expects to orgasm when im masturbating, I wonder when that will go away. I remember it did at some point. Saying "no" aloud and spanking helps though.